So I’m trying to eat healthier just because a flight of steps shouldn’t make me winded. So I got a salad from my dad’s. He thought it might go bad if he didn’t eat it right away so I took it home, thinking “sure, I’ll eat this salad in a wrap because I eat everything in wraps because wraps are fucking awesome.” I like getting stuff from Salad Works so I figured this would work.
So I take the salad, I dice up some tomatoes, replace the shitty leaves with some lettuce and I dump it in a wrap and add some French dressing. I eat some and think, “hmm, not bad, this worked.” Three bites in, “this isn’t that good.” Turns out it sucked.
Who the hell was I kidding. I knew that salad wasn’t going to get eaten. The frigging salad knew I wasn’t going to get eaten. That salad knew it was safe the moment I took possession of it. “Look at him. He has no idea he’s going to waste time preparing me for no reason. What an asshole.” Fuck that salad.